I had one of those times last week. You know, those times when I asked, "Why am I here?" For me, when I ask that, it's in regard to "Why am I here in Mishawaka, Indiana, when I was willing to go be a missionary somewhere else?" I used to ask this question with a lot of anger and general ripped-offness (I know it's not really a word, but it expresses my feelings well), as well as depression and frustration. I don't ask it that way anymore. Jesus has healed much of that in me. And I don't daily ask this question, like I did at one point. Now it only occasionally rises up in me, and I ask it more with confusion, mixed with a little melancholy.
So last week, here it was. Before me again. Why? The questions were triggered by a couple of things. First, 2 men from our church just spent over a week in the Sudan, meeting some financial needs and surveying the situation to see what more our church could do. It's all very exciting - they made some great contacts, and were able to do some awesome things like buy motorcycles for people who walk hours a day to do things for the children's home and church, as well as fund fencing for property and the beginnings of a chicken farm. I see these African pastors working so hard for Jesus, and I just want to be there and help them. The orphans especially are "the least of these" and I just want to go mother them and care for them. The second thing that happened was we received a magazine from Back2Back Ministries (see the link at the left), the ministry I hoped God would send us to and also for whom our dear friends, the Coopers, work. I love this ministry and am AMAZED by all God has done there in such a short time. I wish it had been God's plan for us to be more involved in it all. The other thing that sometimes gets to me is I think that part of why we are here right now is so that we can bring a Guatemalan baby girl into our family. Needless to say, that has been a long haul with still more to go.
Well, this combination put me in a bit of a funk last Wednesday morning. The night before, we went and listened to the report from the Sudan, and it just pushed me to that questioning place again. Why
here? Why
now? Why not
somewhere or something else?
When I check email that morning,there was a response to an email I had sent to a young woman at church. She had come up for prayer on a previous Sunday morning, and I was checking in with her. She was responding and sharing a little of what she's struggling with (which boils down to her needing Jesus), and ended the email by saying "please write back". So I did, and offered to meet with her, and to continue to pray. I also forwarded the info on to others who had been praying. Then I went and called my friend, who is going through a divorce. She's catholic, and knows a lot about that religion, but she doesn't seem to really know Jesus, or have a relationship with him. She had called me the day before to see if I could go to lunch, but I couldn't. So I called on Wednesday to see if she could go then. She said on Tuesday she was depressed, and her counselor was out of town, and her friends were sick of hearing about this situation with her marriage. I said that I would go to lunch, and that I wasn't sick of hearing about it. So we made lunch plans.
As I went back to get in the shower, I kind of laughed to myself.
Here I am in a funk, and I'm going to go listen to my depressed friend? What good can I do for her today? Lord, there's nothing of me to give today, and maybe that will be to my friend's benefit - you'll have to work through me today, work through my weakness. Then, before I knew it, before they even registered in my brain, the words came out of my mouth, "
Maybe this is why I'm here." And I instantly started bawling and the Holy Spirit cut through my heart, and I felt conviction. God said to me, "Who are you to decide who the 'least of these' are? I've put you in this place because this is where I want you, these people around you are needy as well. In some ways, an orphan in a Christian children's home in Africa is better off than your friend who thinks she knows me, but doesn't."
It's true and I know it. There are as many people in need here as there are there - am I taking time to be Jesus to them? I'm here, in this time and this place for a reason. There are not chance encounters happening here. Am I making the most of the divine appointments God has given to me? Am I planting the seeds he wants me to plant? Am I loving the people here - because these people need God's love.
Later that day, after having lunch with my friend, I stop at an intersection where an elderly man holds a sign saying he'll work for food. While I sit at the stoplight and look at him, I ask God, "What do you want me to do?" God says, "Help this guy." So I pull into the parking lot of the business where he's standing, and I get out, give him $9.00, and ask his name. I tell him mine, and then offer to pray. He was nothing but skin and bones, and he was so cold. I prayed God will help him know he was loved, that God saw him, and that God cared for him. I prayed that as the sun shone down on him, that he would feel the warmth of God's love.
And here's something I just realized as I typed that. I wouldn't have been at that intersection if I hadn't gone to lunch with my friend. One divine appointment led to another.
Why am I here?
I'm here to send emails of encouragement, to listen to the broken-hearted, and to be a glimpse of love and hope to the cold and hopeless. I'm here to keep the appointments God has made. I'm here to pray and to cry and to love and to laugh. I'm here to smile and to give and to shine. I'm here to try to imitate Jesus, so that the people around me might see what he's really like. I'm here to live out in front of my children every day the life I claim is the one true path. I'm here to be a surrendered vessel that allows God to do whatever he wishes. I'm here to co-labor with Christ, and the cool thing is that I get to watch him do some incredible things. So I'll BE here, truly BE here, living out this life he's set before me. Living it out with the fullness of Christ and not just going through the motions. It's a privilege to be here. Thanks, Lord.
