Random Thoughts Vol.18

My poor blog. So neglected. I can't blame Facebook this time, however. Life has just been busy. Alas, I have some free time on this early Sunday evening, so I'll take some time to share some thoughts.

Today was our first Sunday in our new church building. Yippee! It's very exciting, and even though we've only been at Vineyard 2 years, it is an important milestone for us. We found out about this church because of the sign marking the future site, so now to be in the building on that site is very fulfilling.

I recently went to a conference for church called "Naturally Supernatural", and all I can say is that it was life-changing for me. I left there a different person, and I'm so grateful. It's amazing to me to realize that not only does Jesus forgive us of our sin, but he also doesn't want us to harbor any shame for it. He truly is AMAZING!

The picture at the beginning of this post is of a book I read last weekend. I HIGHLY recommend it. It is called Chasing The Dragon and it is the story of a woman named Jackie Pullinger and her life as a missionary in Hong Kong. It will stretch you!

Two weeks ago my cousin's 24 year old son shot himself. So sad. The funeral was packed full of young people...I've never seen anything like it. So many who seemed so lost and so shaken. I spent most of the funeral praying for those around us, for God to speak to them, and to reach out to them in their time of need. Come, Lord Jesus!

On the adoption front, there is no new news. I recently read an evaluation on how things are a year later in Guatemala. The corruption is improved, but, because there is no new adoption process working, children and babies are being abandoned by birth mothers. In Guatemala City alone, over 70 children were found, and 14 of them had already died. The thought makes me sick of children dying for lack of a process when many families, including ours, are simply waiting here for there to be a way to adopt them. There isn't much more I can say than to plea with the God of Justice to act on behalf of not only the Guatemalan children, but also orphans around the world.

Whew, that was heavy! On to much lighter thoughts! I'm looking forward to watching The Amazing Race tonight. It's my favorite reality show, and it has proved stellar this season. All I can say is giant cheese wheels! I'm also watching Survivor, and cracking up at the guy who kind of looks like Qui Gon Jin from Star Wars. All I have to say about American Idol is that I miss David Cook. Heroes is quickly losing my interest, partially because 24 and Lost are SOOOOO good right now. I wish that this TV potpourri was dispersed better - there's too much to watch now and the summer will be empty.

I realized I never posted about my scrapbooking weekend. It was AWESOME and I had a wonderful time with my friends. I don't remember exactly, but I did about 32 sides, I think. I've scrapped a couple of times since then. In fact, I might work on it tonight. I have to say, in case you haven't heard this, I LOVE my Cricut machine! That thing is the best! I'll include some pictures of pages in the kids' albums (which is what I worked on at the crop), as well as a calendar page I did in my family album.

Here are the pages I did for Michael's birthday. His theme was patriotic, with different monuments decorating the kitchen. I was so pleased with my catchy title (always a challenge for me!)


I just like these pages in Madison's book. Very girly!


These pages in Max's book show how I can use one cricut cartridge and get different looks, which is cool.


The last couple of years I have done a December calendar page and then wrote a long journal entry about how we spent the holiday. I really like how this works out and would suggest giving it a try.


Coming to this blog a week from today: Max's 5th birthday. Stay tuned!

Advent

One of the many things I'm thankful to Ryan for is the Advent tradition of his family. Our first Christmas after we were married, his parents brought us a yule log for our home, and every day of Advent we light a candle and have devotions. This is really priceless time in the midst of the holiday season. It has been fun to see our kids grow to appreciate this time, and I often find myself wishing I could freeze that moment, that time would stop, and we would be able to just sit there and keep singing Christmas carols and praying and snuggling up in the candlelight.

Advent means "coming". I wonder, what is "coming" next? We spend this season celebrating when the messiah came the first time - what's next on His agenda? I'm excited when I think about what God has in store. For me personally, I hope He comes and brings increased intensity of intimacy in my relationship with Him.

I had a rough moment when we put our Christmas tree up this year. In the Christmas stuff, I found an ornament I bought after the season last year. At the time we didn't know how completely everything in Guatemala would shut down, so I bought an ornament in case our daughter would be referred to us and had been born last year. I saw the box and just cried. Broken heart. Another Christmas without her here. Or close to being here. So I cried for a few moments, while my beautiful, biological daughter hugged me and assured me it was okay. And it is. The ornament is a baby in a cradle, and it had a sign on it that said, "baby's first Christmas". I took the sign off and put the ornament on the tree. She's here. In my heart. In Ryan's heart. In Madison's heart. In Michael's heart. Max, he's clueless :)
Here's the ornament on the tree:


So, I guess I am hoping, praying, and expecting, that our baby girl is another thing on God's agenda - something else that is coming. I'm hoping that next Christmas I'll put her ornament on the tree either with her help, or with her face in my mind. God is so vast, and so amazing, and His ways are not our ways. Who knows what he will do? Who knows what's coming?

Why I'm Here

I had one of those times last week. You know, those times when I asked, "Why am I here?" For me, when I ask that, it's in regard to "Why am I here in Mishawaka, Indiana, when I was willing to go be a missionary somewhere else?" I used to ask this question with a lot of anger and general ripped-offness (I know it's not really a word, but it expresses my feelings well), as well as depression and frustration. I don't ask it that way anymore. Jesus has healed much of that in me. And I don't daily ask this question, like I did at one point. Now it only occasionally rises up in me, and I ask it more with confusion, mixed with a little melancholy.

So last week, here it was. Before me again. Why? The questions were triggered by a couple of things. First, 2 men from our church just spent over a week in the Sudan, meeting some financial needs and surveying the situation to see what more our church could do. It's all very exciting - they made some great contacts, and were able to do some awesome things like buy motorcycles for people who walk hours a day to do things for the children's home and church, as well as fund fencing for property and the beginnings of a chicken farm. I see these African pastors working so hard for Jesus, and I just want to be there and help them. The orphans especially are "the least of these" and I just want to go mother them and care for them. The second thing that happened was we received a magazine from Back2Back Ministries (see the link at the left), the ministry I hoped God would send us to and also for whom our dear friends, the Coopers, work. I love this ministry and am AMAZED by all God has done there in such a short time. I wish it had been God's plan for us to be more involved in it all. The other thing that sometimes gets to me is I think that part of why we are here right now is so that we can bring a Guatemalan baby girl into our family. Needless to say, that has been a long haul with still more to go.

Well, this combination put me in a bit of a funk last Wednesday morning. The night before, we went and listened to the report from the Sudan, and it just pushed me to that questioning place again. Why here? Why now? Why not somewhere or something else?

When I check email that morning,there was a response to an email I had sent to a young woman at church. She had come up for prayer on a previous Sunday morning, and I was checking in with her. She was responding and sharing a little of what she's struggling with (which boils down to her needing Jesus), and ended the email by saying "please write back". So I did, and offered to meet with her, and to continue to pray. I also forwarded the info on to others who had been praying. Then I went and called my friend, who is going through a divorce. She's catholic, and knows a lot about that religion, but she doesn't seem to really know Jesus, or have a relationship with him. She had called me the day before to see if I could go to lunch, but I couldn't. So I called on Wednesday to see if she could go then. She said on Tuesday she was depressed, and her counselor was out of town, and her friends were sick of hearing about this situation with her marriage. I said that I would go to lunch, and that I wasn't sick of hearing about it. So we made lunch plans.

As I went back to get in the shower, I kind of laughed to myself. Here I am in a funk, and I'm going to go listen to my depressed friend? What good can I do for her today? Lord, there's nothing of me to give today, and maybe that will be to my friend's benefit - you'll have to work through me today, work through my weakness. Then, before I knew it, before they even registered in my brain, the words came out of my mouth, "Maybe this is why I'm here." And I instantly started bawling and the Holy Spirit cut through my heart, and I felt conviction. God said to me, "Who are you to decide who the 'least of these' are? I've put you in this place because this is where I want you, these people around you are needy as well. In some ways, an orphan in a Christian children's home in Africa is better off than your friend who thinks she knows me, but doesn't."

It's true and I know it. There are as many people in need here as there are there - am I taking time to be Jesus to them? I'm here, in this time and this place for a reason. There are not chance encounters happening here. Am I making the most of the divine appointments God has given to me? Am I planting the seeds he wants me to plant? Am I loving the people here - because these people need God's love.

Later that day, after having lunch with my friend, I stop at an intersection where an elderly man holds a sign saying he'll work for food. While I sit at the stoplight and look at him, I ask God, "What do you want me to do?" God says, "Help this guy." So I pull into the parking lot of the business where he's standing, and I get out, give him $9.00, and ask his name. I tell him mine, and then offer to pray. He was nothing but skin and bones, and he was so cold. I prayed God will help him know he was loved, that God saw him, and that God cared for him. I prayed that as the sun shone down on him, that he would feel the warmth of God's love.

And here's something I just realized as I typed that. I wouldn't have been at that intersection if I hadn't gone to lunch with my friend. One divine appointment led to another.

Why am I here? I'm here to send emails of encouragement, to listen to the broken-hearted, and to be a glimpse of love and hope to the cold and hopeless. I'm here to keep the appointments God has made. I'm here to pray and to cry and to love and to laugh. I'm here to smile and to give and to shine. I'm here to try to imitate Jesus, so that the people around me might see what he's really like. I'm here to live out in front of my children every day the life I claim is the one true path. I'm here to be a surrendered vessel that allows God to do whatever he wishes. I'm here to co-labor with Christ, and the cool thing is that I get to watch him do some incredible things. So I'll BE here, truly BE here, living out this life he's set before me. Living it out with the fullness of Christ and not just going through the motions. It's a privilege to be here. Thanks, Lord.

Gut Reactions

Well, I spent three days in the belly of the great fish, and I've now been urped onto the shore. My circumstances haven't changed, in fact, by earthly perspectives they may have even deteriorated, but I'm not going there. My prayer perspective has changed, and that is good.

The biggest change has been in my perspective of to whom I am praying. At times in our adoption process, I have literally BEGGED and pleaded for God to do something. I was doing this earlier this week. During my fast, God revealed to me that when I was begging, I was approaching him like a distant king, one who does not really know what his subjects are going through, or necessarily cares. It was like I was groveling for mercy at the feet of one who could care less what happens to me. This is what I was doing, this was the God I was praying to in certain moments. God told me, "Why don't you talk to me like I'm your friend who has influence and ability to help you in your need? Stop begging me like I don't care, and talk to me like you would a friend who can help you."

That's not all he had to say about this approach. He also told me, "Come crawl on your father's lap and tell me what you want." My relationship with God has always been based on him being my father. I have fully embraced that type of relationship with him. But I realized that I often hold back telling him things I want, because I don't really have the faith that he's willing to give what I ask. He said to me, "Come here and tell me exactly what you want, because it could be that I want to give you what you ask for, and I can't give it if you don't ask." The feeling was like a Christmas list - I want to give you exactly what you want because I love you, so tell me what you want.

So I told him. Everything. I specifically asked for the whole kit and kaboodle. I prayed for perfection. No holds barred. I told my influential friend, my loving father who wants to give, I told him everything. I made every request. I even complained. And argued. And questioned. And pleaded - to my close friend, not a distant king. And I cried. And I expressed every concern, confusion, frustration, and disappointment I thought of, and I laid it all on the line. And I continue to hear my friend and father ask me, "Will you wait here with me? Will you be here with me? Even when it seems impossible, will you remain in my hope, trust in my goodness, believe in my power? Will you stay?"

Even as I type this I'm hearing the verses, "if you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you." (John 15:7) See, I think he's calling me to be a true fan, not a bandwagon believer. As a Cubs fan, I've experienced heartbreak and frustration, but I'm always faithful to cheer for them above all others. There is no other team for me. It drives me crazy when these bandwagon Cubs fans come out of the woodwork during their good years, and bash them in the off years. How much can those fans possibly mean to the team? I guarantee not even remotely as much as the faithful who have stood through the dry spells and the disappointment.

He wants me to remain, to trust, to hope, to dream, to believe in his goodness, to be his fan above all others, whether it feels, looks, or sounds good or not. And you know, at the end of this week, after my fast was over, sitting on the bathroom floor in our bedroom, after crying and praying for about an hour, I realized something - I'm there.

As hard as it is to do, and as ridiculous as it might seem, I'm choosing to believe that he will do this miracle. Nothing on this earth right now tells me to do this. In fact, this earth does nothing but speak death to this place. But Jesus is life, not death. His kingdom is not of this world. His ways are higher than my ways. He is hope for the hopeless. And he tells me, why not try this out? Why not ask me for a miracle and then stick around to see if I do it?

The challenge is overcoming my flesh. My fleshly brain has trouble wrapping my head around the miraculous. But Jesus is my friend and he understands this (he himself came here and used a fleshly brain). So he's going to help me. The other challenge is overcoming my pride. I don't like to fail and I don't like to look foolish. I'm afraid to say "God's going to do a miracle" because what if he doesn't. Well, to say the least, I just have to get over that fear and that pride. I have to give it over to Jesus, because how can he do miraculous things for those who have too much fear and pride to ask for them?

So, here's hoping for a miracle. From where I sit right now, God has until February 1, 2009, to change everything (eta - this is the date our postponement contract expires). I'm believing and mostly REALLY REALLY hoping, he will do it (I have NO DOUBT he is able!). In all this I know that on February 2, 2009, I could end up devasted, flat on my face, and grieving. But so what? I may look like a fool, but I'll be a fool for Christ, and that I will count as a privilege. There will be no regrets, only resolve. Resolve to believe that he is still good, he is still loving, and he is still for us. Resolve to continue following him to the sweet end. Resolve to continue asking for miracles and to still believe he will answer prayer.

I will remain. With no regrets. Only resolve.

Looking For Life

I'm looking for life today. I'm looking for life in our adoption. I'm looking for God's life, God's power, God's ability to resurrect the dead, to breathe life into the lifeless. As we wait out this situation, God speaks to me. I love the things he says. He's been very gracious and kind to me and taught me so much during this whole process. The problem is, what he says is hard to believe because of what is happening, which is nothing. God assures me I will have a daughter. I even feel like he's assured me she will be Guatemalan. But Guatemala isn't cooperating with God right now. So the reality and truth APPEAR to be that it won't happen. BUT, what I want to live by and what I want to trust in is GOD'S REALITY and GOD'S TRUTH, which is a challenge for my human flesh. I need an increase of faith, a faith that is bigger than my human mind can comprehend. A faith that believes in and dwells on what it cannot see.

As I contemplated this last night and prayed about this situation (as it seems some decisions might be made soon), I felt called to pray and fast. And for some reason I felt led to do it for 3 days. Jesus spent 3 days in the tomb, Jonah spent 3 days in the belly of a great fish, so I guess I'm going to spend 3 days in a tomb/belly of sorts. My expectation is that my perspective will have changed once I get urped on the shore. My hope is that there is resurrection life following it. I'm expecting God to do something supernatural in the natural and change everything.

But what if he doesn't? He asked me this last night. I had been at prayer group at church and during that time of prayer told God I would run, crawl, claw my way to be deeper in him. So when I came home and read an email that information would be coming later this week from Guatemala, he asked me, "what if it doesn't happen?"

Here's all I have to say: Whether God ever does one good thing for me ever again or not, I will still crawl, claw, bite, fight, run, wrestle my way to his presence. AND I WILL PRAISE HIM, for he is the God who loved me when there was no reason to, never left me even when I was rebelling, took my trash and gave me treasure, took my pain and gave me healing, took my shame and gave me an inheritance, took my life and gave me eternity. It's so much more than I deserve to be given, and contains none of what I truly did deserve.

So here I go, down the gullet of the fish, into the belly, the tomb, to face whatever he brings before me and to come out of it changed. And in his extravagant goodness I'm hoping that not just will I be changed, but so will my circumstances. Either way, I love him.

Good Stuff

Here is the picture from the first day of school that I wanted to post last time. When I was trying to retrieve it from the camera, the computer couldn't detect the camera. When Ryan tried, it was all right there. You gotta love it.

So here are my beautiful, creative, sweet, fun, spiritually-sensitive children. I absolutely love them. Who am I that God would be so good?

I've been amazed lately by the goodness of God. I can't believe how often He chooses to be extravagant with us. For example, Monday night Ryan and I were praying about the soccer schedule. All three kids had practice on different nights, which just felt like a lot. I had called during the day Monday to see if it was possible to switch someone, but the person I needed to speak to wasn't in that day. So, we prayed about it, and told God that we wanted the kids to have the team and the coaches that HE wanted them to have, and if that meant 3 different nights, then we would do it. So, I just left it as it was, I didn't try to call again. But right before leaving for Max's practice, the lady called me and said that she could switch Madison to practice at the same time as Michael. I asked who the coach was, and she told me his name. He is one of the coaches Madison had last year, and we LOVED those coaches. God worked it all out, not just for the better, but for the BEST. That is good stuff!

Recently, I said to God, "You've been so good already, how can you keep wanting to do more?" God said to me, "Do you get tired of doing good things for your children?" Of course NOT! Like I would say to Michael, "Well, seven years seems like long enough to do good for you, I hope the rest of your life works out." NO WAY! I will do as much good, give my best to them, as long as I am able. I'm so humbled to think that God views me the same way. HE IS SO AMAZING, so merciful, so kind, and so, so, so very good to me. And I love Him!

Our Ground Hog Day

Today is Ground Hog Day at our house, but not in the traditional sense. For us, this means we have trapped the ground hog that has been living under our porch for quite some time now. We borrowed a live trap from my nephew, and Ryan set it up, hoping that before he went to work the ground hog would be in the trap and he could take it out in the country and release it. (CARSONS - we know when you lived here you would take trapped animals to the end of Fulmer Rd, but it's full of town houses now. The ongoing joke between Ryan and I has been that when we caught it, we would take it to your house!)

Alas, it was a beautiful plan, except our friend didn't find himself trapped until about an hour after Ryan left for work. So, since there is NO WAY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH that I am picking this thing up and putting him in the van and driving him to the country for release, he will spend over 9 hours in the trap. Let me say, he's clawing like crazy trying to get out. He gets an "A" for effort. But, it's pointless. He's just going to wear himself out. I want to tell him to relax, it will all be okay, he's just moving to another home, out in the country, away from our porch (By the way, I have this fear that it will be like a dog, and in a week it will have found its way back home - is anyone schooled in the instincts of the ground hog?)

Leave it to me to find a spiritual lesson in all of this. (I'd call it "Caged Wisdom", but that was already taken by the wonderful tv show "Arrested Development"). I see him fighting his circumstances all day, knowing that his effort will not be enough. And really, his situation isn't as bad as it could have been - we did get a LIVE trap, not a DEATH trap. Plus, he has iceberg lettuce and peanut butter to get him through this time, which is better than the grass I was watching him eat the other day. There are times I have been like a trapped ground hog - clawing and fighting, trying to change a situation that was out of my control. Would I fight so hard if I knew it was going to be different in a little while, I just had to wait this time out? Can I rest knowing that God will, like Ryan will for the ground hog, come and bring release when His timing is ready? I want a faith that is bigger and more mature than a caged animal. I want faith that rests in God's will, and isn't easily shaken by an unexpected change. I don't want to waste energy fighting something beyond my control. I want to embrace where I am, maybe even enjoy the iceberg lettuce, and dream about where I might be when I'm released in that new place God takes me. Thanks, ground hog, for the reminder to rest in God, and don't worry, you'll be in your new home soon.

Resting

Tomorrow it will be one year since we went on the baby girl waiting list. Isn't life funny how things work out sometimes? If I had known then what I know now, I would have been freaking out. Today I'm just resting. I'm resting in my big, powerful God - I'm being still, and just knowing who He is. In my humanness, I'm sad to think a year has passed with nothing to show for it, but in His almighty Godness, He's doing something that takes some time. Time is different for God and me. I'm trying to adapt to His viewpoint. I trying to think eternally instead of temporally. And really, I shouldn't say a year has passed with nothing to show for it, because even though our adoption situation hasn't changed, WE have changed. Ryan and I, and even the kids, have grown so much through all of this. Our faith has expanded, we have a bigger capacity to trust God. We have grown in our ability to "wait on the Lord". We are better individuals, a better couple, and a better family than we were a year ago. We have a deeper love and desire for Jesus and all things of Him than we did a year ago. We are more patient (at least I am - Ryan's always had the patience stuff down!), more at peace, more joyful, more hopeful, more loving, more devoted, and more commited than we were a year ago. Imagine what God will have done with us, and how far He will have brought us, when this whole thing is complete! That's exciting, because as much as I want a baby girl in my home, I even more so want to be God's baby girl, His precious child, who acts in a way that is pleasing to Him, and that brings glory to Him. Thank you, God, for your patience with me. Help me to continue to obediently rest in you!

Encouraged To Celebrate

I've posted before about my "heart monitor", my way of protecting myself from getting hurt or disappointed through our adoption process. Recently, God spoke to me about this. For a while now, I'm been holding onto the verse, "the joy of the Lord is my strength." So, the other night I decided to look it up so I could write the verse and its reference in my notebook. Well, my guess was that it was in the Psalms, but I was wrong. It is in the book of Nehemiah, and it is the second half of a verse. It comes after the Israelite exiles have returned to Jerusalem and rebuilt the walls of the city, and the priest has read to everyone the laws given to Moses. The people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law. Then Nehemiah says, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." It goes on to say that the people celebrated with great joy.

I was so encouraged about this, because I often really hold back from celebrating our baby girl. I try to keep my heart so closely monitored, instead of full out celebrating what I believe will happen. I want to whole heartedly believe that God will bring our baby girl to us, and excitedly anticipate it. I was explaining it to Ryan and said that it's like when the Chicago Cubs win the World Series - for fans like him and me, those victories will be super sweet because we have hung in there through some very tough times with the Cubs (we've both been fans since we were kids). But, in the midst of their run for the title, there will be bandwagon fans, who, when it seems apparent that the Cubs are going all the way, will be saying, "oh yeah, we knew they could do it!" I don't want to be a bandwagon believer - celebrating and believing once the victory is finally within reach. I want to celebrate and believe even when it seems impossible, which is where our adoption resides right now. I look around me and nothing implies that this baby will be in our house for sure in the next 2 years, if ever. Nothing except one - GOD! And what HE says, I will trust. And when He gets her here, how much sweeter it will be because we had faith all along that it would happen. Thank you, Precious Lord! I will faithfully trust, come what may!

The Wait For Deliverance

Today we sent in our postponement contract and are now officially waiting for Guatemala to reopen. I'm grateful for the peace I have from the Lord. Grateful also, that through a listserve group from our agency, we have 9 other waiting families to pass the time with through email and blogging. God is good!

Recently I was reading in the book of Exodus (during my Lenten time of "fasting" from Seinfeld) and a portion of the story really spoke to me. The Israelites have been released by Pharoah, but now the Egyptians are pursuing them. In their maturity, and their discerning ability to see the big picture (just kidding), they start questioning Moses. They wonder why he brought them to the desert to die, and they lament leaving Egypt, and so on. In chapter 14, verses 13-14, Moses answered them,

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."

I think this spoke to me so much because at this point in our adoption, we are powerless to do anything. It's so nice to know that we need only be still, that the Lord will fight for us. As we "be still and know that He is God", we need to stand firm in our faith, stand firm in our call. He brought us to this place, and I firmly believe, like He did for the Israelites, that He will part the waters and make a way in order for us to go where He wants us. I'm excited to see the deliverance the Lord has planned for us. It won't be as dramatic as parting the sea, but it will be miraculous none-the-less. I pray we will keep our focus, not be distracted or worried by the "Egyptians" around us, not regret coming to this place He called us to, but that instead we will be full of hope and anticipation for the place He is taking us. I want to joyfully embrace this choice to wait for deliverance, and be blown away when God stretches out His hand.

Frosting On This Cupcake Called Life

I continue to be amazed by the graciousness and lavishness of my God's love. At our church today we watched a video, which basically helped drive home the powerful point that our God is HUGE and we are small. But the best part is that even though He's soooooo big, He cares intimately about us. It's unbelievable that the God of the universe cares so much for me. What's even more amazing, beyond all that He's already done, is that He will do precious, priceless things for us, just because He loves us. This happened to me on Saturday when I was at a prophetic workshop at church (which is a while other discussion for another time). Anyway, there was an activity at the workshop where each person drew two numbers - one representing them and one respresenting someone else in the room. We were to pray and listen for God to give us a prophetic word for the other person, not knowing who they were. When we were finished, we found out who had the number and gave them the paper with the words God had given us. So, I look at my paper, and everything on it is so beautiful and enouraging - precious words from my precious Lord. I felt so loved by Him! But, the last thing on the paper was the best of all. We've been preparing to sign the postponement contract for our adoption, and continuing to seek God and His assurances that we are doing what we should. It is such a leap of faith, and it could possibly end with us not getting a Guatemalan baby girl. When I got to the last sentence of my paper, my word from the Lord, it said, "Dwell on what you don't see." My heart just melted. So much love in those words, so much compassion. My God, who has already suffered and died for my sins, healed me in numerous ways, and blessed me far beyond what I deserve, decided, out of His goodness and love, to speak these precious words to me. I was so grateful, and continue to be grateful. This, my friends,is part of the frosting on my cupcake called life. God's sweetness poured over God's goodness - "taste and see that the Lord is good..."

The Juice

So there's all this talk in the media about athletes being on "the juice". Steriods appear to be a rampant problem. I for one have much respect for hard work and sacrifice.

But the other day, I was thinking about how I want "The Juice". Not steriods, but Spirit. I was considering how there is fruit of God's Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I want this fruit, and I want His "juice" to flow through me. I want to get strength and energy from His vine, I want to "bulk up" on God and His Spirit. To get the juice, I need to be connected to the Source, a branch attached to the true vine. So, I plan to make sure I'm in the right place and then I'm going to STAY THERE, so I can be juiced up on Jesus!

A More Relevant Blog

As much as I know you find my blog to be interesting, insightful, and delightful (wow, I'm working it here), check out this blog for Buckner International . The blog is for people taking mission trips through their organization, which includes an adoption agency. I found this blog because it was on the blogger site's Blogs of Note list. Anyway, the recent blog posts feature Geoff Moore and Susan Grey, two Christian music artists. Reading the stories of what they are seeing in Guatemala, and especially the recent posts about Honduras, simply break my heart. Imagine how God's heart must feel!

Random Monday Thoughts Vol.2

I think on Mondays I'm incapable of pulling multiple ideas together to form one coherent post, so I'm copping out by once again just listing some things at random.

My first random thought is that my kids have the flu. I think we're on the flip side of it now, and I think we escaped the really nasty symptoms that many people are enduring. We've mostly had high fevers, sore throats, headaches, and tummy aches. Madison and Michael both had fevers nearly 105 degrees. Madison said to me, "I have a question, but I don't want to upset you. Am I dying?" That folks, is a fever.

My other random thought is really just a question with no answer: Why do we live in this ridiculous climate?

Last Thursday afternoon, I took Madison and Michael to the Northern Indiana Center for History in South Bend. It was my first time there, and it was much nicer than I expected. We spent most of the time in an exhibit called "Voyages", learning about the indians who lived in the St. Joseph Valley and how the area was established. The musuem is connected to the new Studebaker Museum, which I'd like to visit sometime.

For a while now I've been mulling over a concept I'll call "Life Words." I was introduced to this whole idea over 2 years ago by a husband and wife team that came to our church and spoke at a Spiritual Renewal weekend. To sum it up, it's the idea of putting God's truth, His "Life Words", into your heart and mind. So many things around us speak death - there's divorce, addiction, disease, disaster - it can be a discouraging to live in this world! But God's word has so much power and life in it, we can combat the death this world speaks into our lives. I want to be more aware of my words and make sure that whenever I have the opportunity, I speak words of life into the lives of those around me.

Finally, here's a link to my new favorite worship song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0F109Acx14
You'll have to cut and paste the link.

Ash Wednesday

My thoughts for Ash Wednesday really started on Monday night. I attend a small intercessory prayer group at church, and this Monday night it was just one other wonderful lady and me. Before she came, I was led to read 2 Timothy chapter 3, and as always, it brought fresh, rich lessons to me. I won't put the whole text here, if you find a few minutes today, give it a read. Anyway, 2 things distinctly stood out to me:

1. Vs. 5 - "...having a form of godliness but denying its power."
2. Vs. 14 - "continue in what you've learned and have become convinced of..."

I can tell you this right now: I never want to have just a form of godliness. I want God! I want true godliness, fruit of a life connected to God. I picture a candy mold, where you would pour melted chocolate in to make bunnies or flowers. I don't want to just be the "form", the empty mold, so to speak. I want FULLNESS, DEPTH, actual 3 dimensional shape. I don't want an empty, shallow existence with God, I want Him to form me and fill me. I also do not want to "deny its power". I want to be full of God's presence AND His power, and to be ready for what that power can do. I want to welcome that power, knowing that His power often comes when we are submitted and surrendered to Him. And here's a good question: Why would anyone want to serve a powerless god? We need to embrace the power of God, not fear it, or deny it.

The second point that really struck me was "what you've learned and have become convinced of...". One dictionary definition I found of convinced said, "to bring by argument to belief, consent, or course of action." The question is: How convinced am I? Have I learned enough and been convinced enough to take certain courses of action? How many believers do you know who have learned much, but are not convinced? When you are convinced, you develop a conviction, and I believe it is our convictions that bring us through our persecutions. That is why some, when times get tough, turn their backs on God, because they were never fully convinced. I want strong conviction. I want to continue to learn more so that I can become convinced of more, and so that my convictions can be strengthened. This supports something the Lord led me to weeks ago, that I need to be spending more time in His word. There is so much strength and power in His truth. Verse 16 of chapter 3 says: "All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." I want to be thoroughly equipped to serve Him, so that I can give Him everything I have, because He gave me everything I didn't deserve, and nothing I did deserve.

So, this is adds to the motivation for starting my "power hour" this Lenten season. Jesus deserves so much glory, honor, and praise, more than I feel capable of giving. So, what I can give, I will, with love and gratitude.

Waiting Room

Isaiah 30:18-21 - "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice from behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it."

I'm so humbled by my God today. I will never cease to be amazed by his goodness. The final verse of this passage came to my memory today when I realized that this was the type of direction the Lord was giving me. I believe today he gave me a gentle reassurance that Ryan and I know the right path, and he is releasing us to walk in it.

All along, our hearts have been set on a baby girl from Guatemala. As delays and problems come up, we've always had the option of changing programs. Our hearts, however were not changed. At one point I thought I could change to Nepal, but then I realized we were not eligible to adopt from there (due to already having a child of each gender). Now, there are 3 programs we could switch to if we wanted, and only one slightly appealed to us right now, Vietnam. My heart wasn't there, but I thought, well maybe if I'm supposed to, or if I have to, I could do that. But I just felt more compelled to wait for Guatemala than to switch to Vietnam. Today on the phone a friend asked me a question about our agency's Vietnam program, and when I looked it up online, I saw a new warning message that do to circumstances in Vietnam, they are not taking applications for the program. What a blessing this was! I am right to wait for that which God has placed on my heart, and he reassured me of that today.

In the verses prior to the ones I posted, the Lord is talking about how "repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said,'no we will flee on horses." It was the idea that they were fleeing seeking what they wanted, rather than waiting on the Lord for what he had for them. That's why it said, "blessed are all who wait for him." How often do we do this, take matters into our own hands because we can't wait. I can think of a couple of jobs I had that I didn't like because I rushed in and didn't wait on the Lord. Just think, last week, or even last month, I could have said, "it's too long to wait, let's switch." and then that news today about Vietnam would have been a tragedy instead of a blessing. Sometimes we get so worked up because we have it in our head that we really want something, or that something is soooo important to us, that we prioritize it higher than God and his will. It then becomes an idol of sorts, we pursue it with passion and vigor, trying to make it happen, rather than pursuing God with passion and vigor, and letting him do as he pleases. The verse following the ones I posted says, "Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, 'Away with you!" Gross, right? But, that is how things in our life that are contrary to God's will and plan for us should be, offensive. I want to cast down my idols, give my heart and soul only to God, and the reap the benefit of a life that is surrendered to him in everything. If it means being in the center of his perfect will and plan for me and my family, then I have plenty of waiting room in my soul. I'll wait the full year my agency projects for Guatemala to reopen if I have to, and will not change unless God says so. He offers repentance, rest, salvation, quietness, trust, strength, and I want ALL of it. I will not flee on a horse and try to make something else happen. I will wait here until he whispers, "This is the way, walk in it" to me again.

One Wild Weekend

I'm finally recovered from my scrapbooking weekend. I would have posted yesterday, but I was needing all of my brain power just to function due to lack of sleep over the weekend. I was feeling my full 35 1/2 years yesterday (although this woman at prayer group last night was surprised when I told her I was 35, she thought I was like 26 or 27. She's my new best friend, by the way.) We had such an awesome weekend! It was perfect. My old friends, Tee & Ed, clicked so well with my new friend, Kimmie K., and we had so much great soul-cleansing laughter. We had some great food at the Essenhaus, although Ed and I consumed a few Rolaids afterward. I got 43 sides done throughout 4 different albums. My kids albums are now current, and my family album is ready for December. Kim and I stayed up until 8:00 AM Saturday morning, and got up around 11:00 AM. (Tee and Ed stayed up almost as long). The next night, Tee, Ed, and I stayed up until 3:00 AM, then we got up at 8:00 AM, so Kim and I could come back to go to church. Kim and I stayed at the crop until 6:00 Sunday night. There were also lots of fun free goodies that we received throughout the weekend. We can't wait until next year! If anyone is interested, the Winterfest crop will be the last weekend of January next year, so if you want to join the loudest and most obnoxious table there (as well as the most fun table), let us know! I'm posting some pictures of layouts from each album, as well as a picture that has a 12X12 album I bought for Max, and 2 albums I got for free during the weekend.

Following God's Heart

Today we heard from our adoption agency. Things are not progressing in Guatemala, and they do not see the country developing a new process until the end of this year. That is simply an estimate, and something could happen sooner than that, but based on how things are going with the cases in process, they just don't see the process for new cases being established sooner than that.

So, we have 3 options: Postpone our adoption and wait until the country opens again, transfer to a different country program, or stop altogether. We have no intention of stopping, and we don't feel called to any of the other countries right now, so I guess we're on board for the wait. We don't have to decide right away, so we'll take to pray and to consider everything, and most importantly, to listen for the Lord's wisdom. I'm disappointed, but not discouraged. I have faith that God knows exactly what will happen, so I plan to follow Him and His heart for us. There are moments when I think that such a wait is crazy, but if you read Hebrews 11, maybe waiting isn't so crazy after all.

A Defining Dream

Recently someone asked me how I was doing (in relation to our adoption), and when I said "I'm doing great", this person seemed surprised. So, I thought I would write about something that happened that brought me tremendous peace concerning our adoption.

It was probably early in December, and I had a dream. In the dream, our family was in the van, and I was driving, and we were going up a very steep highway. It was winter, and the road was basically a sheet of ice. As we were headed up this steep road, an animal, with the head of a moose and the body of a mastodon came out of the woods on the opposite side of the road, about 50 yards away (is anyone still reading?). So, the animal is like lumbering out into the road, and traffic is stopped, and the road is so icy that this thing slips and falls to the ground, knocking itself unconscious. It's body then begins to slide down the slope of the road, and it is headed for our van. It continues to slide and knocks our van over the drop-off on the side of the road. Our van rolled, but when we came to a stop, we were all okay. Next, we have made it back to the road, and our van is on the road and all the traffic is stopped. At that point I realize that my mom was a couple of cars in front of us when the accident happened. She is coming back to check on us, and when she sees us all standing on the road, she sinks to the pavement, sobbing uncontrollably. When I see her do this, I get very angry. I am mad that she is crying, when she can see that we are all perfectly fine.

Okay, that was the dream (at least part of it anyway). So, I wake up in the morning, and I go into the bathroom and I'm thinking about this dream, and I'm like, what was up with that? Why was I so mad at my mom for reacting like that?

Then, God spoke to me, and this is what He said: "Why would you mourn for something you haven't lost?"

That's when I realized I had been doing that about our baby girl. I was mourning like I had lost her. I had taken the news about the adoption delay in such a way as if it was over, even though I knew it wasn't, but that was how I was responding. (Just like in the dream, mom knows we're okay, but she responds to what could have happened.) God didn't tell me my baby girl was lost, and until He does, she isn't. She's just delayed in coming, fashionably late. Taking after her mother already!

This dream, and God's words to me about it, were a defining moment for me. I'm thankful for the encouragement God brought to me and the creative way He did it.

Living Like A Daughter

I've recently finished reading a couple of books about adoption. I greatly appreciated both of them. I wanted to share a portion of the one with you. This excerpt is from Carried Safely Home by Kristin Wong. She has been explaining the adjustment her sons (who were both around age 2) went through from being orphans in Vietnam to being sons in their family. I appreciate the challenge to live like a daughter!

...behaviors occasionally surfaced that reminded us of the boys' fearful reactions those first days in Vietnam...The changes in their lives were enormous...So many changes had just raged through their lives - how could they know that there were not more coming? There was nothing we could do but continue to be present for them until they felt secure. I wanted to be able to speak directly into their souls to alleviate their angst: 'Stop acting like an orphan,' I pled with Josiah (knowing he couldn't understand)'You're not an orphan anymore; you're our son!'
The legal declaration of a child's status usually comes in black and white: With signatures on paper and the ruling of a judge, a child changes from being a ward of the state to being the son or daughter of parents. But other changes from orphan to son or daughter spread through a child's life more gradually. It takes orphans time to live fully in their new identity. It takes time, when you have been an orphan, to believe you are a son. Pockets of orphan remnants may remain hidden for years and then surface unexpectedly...
As I think about the coping behavior of abandoned orphans, and observe my own boys struggle to understand what it means to live in a family, I also think about my own life. As God's adopted daughter, I too, am being gradually transformed, as my behavior and emotions come to more closely match my real identity. My own hidden orphan remnants surface at times...
Orphans transformed into sons and daughters delight the hearts of their parents. I was sad for my sons when they showed their orphan remnants and delighted when they began relaxing and feeling secure...
He {God} must be honored when our freedom and joy show that we trust his care for us. I am not an abandoned orphan, but a beloved child of God. But sometimes I forget. And he tells me: 'Stop acting like an orphan; you are my daughter!"