Random Thoughts Vol.18

My poor blog. So neglected. I can't blame Facebook this time, however. Life has just been busy. Alas, I have some free time on this early Sunday evening, so I'll take some time to share some thoughts.

Today was our first Sunday in our new church building. Yippee! It's very exciting, and even though we've only been at Vineyard 2 years, it is an important milestone for us. We found out about this church because of the sign marking the future site, so now to be in the building on that site is very fulfilling.

I recently went to a conference for church called "Naturally Supernatural", and all I can say is that it was life-changing for me. I left there a different person, and I'm so grateful. It's amazing to me to realize that not only does Jesus forgive us of our sin, but he also doesn't want us to harbor any shame for it. He truly is AMAZING!

The picture at the beginning of this post is of a book I read last weekend. I HIGHLY recommend it. It is called Chasing The Dragon and it is the story of a woman named Jackie Pullinger and her life as a missionary in Hong Kong. It will stretch you!

Two weeks ago my cousin's 24 year old son shot himself. So sad. The funeral was packed full of young people...I've never seen anything like it. So many who seemed so lost and so shaken. I spent most of the funeral praying for those around us, for God to speak to them, and to reach out to them in their time of need. Come, Lord Jesus!

On the adoption front, there is no new news. I recently read an evaluation on how things are a year later in Guatemala. The corruption is improved, but, because there is no new adoption process working, children and babies are being abandoned by birth mothers. In Guatemala City alone, over 70 children were found, and 14 of them had already died. The thought makes me sick of children dying for lack of a process when many families, including ours, are simply waiting here for there to be a way to adopt them. There isn't much more I can say than to plea with the God of Justice to act on behalf of not only the Guatemalan children, but also orphans around the world.

Whew, that was heavy! On to much lighter thoughts! I'm looking forward to watching The Amazing Race tonight. It's my favorite reality show, and it has proved stellar this season. All I can say is giant cheese wheels! I'm also watching Survivor, and cracking up at the guy who kind of looks like Qui Gon Jin from Star Wars. All I have to say about American Idol is that I miss David Cook. Heroes is quickly losing my interest, partially because 24 and Lost are SOOOOO good right now. I wish that this TV potpourri was dispersed better - there's too much to watch now and the summer will be empty.

I realized I never posted about my scrapbooking weekend. It was AWESOME and I had a wonderful time with my friends. I don't remember exactly, but I did about 32 sides, I think. I've scrapped a couple of times since then. In fact, I might work on it tonight. I have to say, in case you haven't heard this, I LOVE my Cricut machine! That thing is the best! I'll include some pictures of pages in the kids' albums (which is what I worked on at the crop), as well as a calendar page I did in my family album.

Here are the pages I did for Michael's birthday. His theme was patriotic, with different monuments decorating the kitchen. I was so pleased with my catchy title (always a challenge for me!)


I just like these pages in Madison's book. Very girly!


These pages in Max's book show how I can use one cricut cartridge and get different looks, which is cool.


The last couple of years I have done a December calendar page and then wrote a long journal entry about how we spent the holiday. I really like how this works out and would suggest giving it a try.


Coming to this blog a week from today: Max's 5th birthday. Stay tuned!

Random Thoughts Vol.17

Hello Friends! Well, I've been blogging for a year now. Who knew? Certainly not me. Thanks for stopping by over the past year to check in on what is up with our family. I have lots of random thoughts going on, so I'll get to it.

I watched the inauguration yesterday and found myself tearful through much of it. It's a privilege to live in this country. I'm grateful for religious freedom. I'm grateful for checks and balances. I'm grateful that I don't have a hat like Aretha Franklin, but that she has the right to wear one. God bless the USA!

American Idol has started, but I haven't watched any of it. I don't usually watch the audition rounds. I wait until Hollywood week to start watching, and really kick in at the top 24 (which this year is a top 36 instead). I do, however, read the ew.com recaps of it, so I'm not completely out of the loop.

Tonight is a big night because LOST IS BACK!!! Since it's AWANA night, Ryan and I are going to dinner while the kids are gone, then we'll put them to bed and watch the premiere. I've kept myself as spoiler free as possible, so there's a good chance I won't be able to sleep tonight. I often mull over this show long after it's over. Unlike Heroes or 24, two other favorites of mine, Lost can truly mess with my head!

This weekend is WINTERFEST the big annual scrapbooking weekend I attend. This year I'll be rooming with Tina "I hope my bathing suit doesn't injure you" Green, Debbie "I just found out I have to work on Saturday" DeBoer, and Cheri "All I can think about is pie" Boudouris. I think what I love best about this weekend is that it's the most time each year that I spend just being me and taking care of me. I love my kids, but it's nice to not have to provide anything for them for 2.5 days. I'm looking forward to catching up my albums, having some great conversations, eating yummy food, and engaging in soul cleansing laughter.

Finally, on Monday we were at Target and I bought some little outfits on the clearance rack for our baby girl. I think I bought 3 things for like $7.50. I love sales! I'm so thankful that our contract was extended, otherwise it would be about to expire and we would be figuring out what to do next. God is good, and I love Him. Here are some pictures of the things I bought her.

Advent

One of the many things I'm thankful to Ryan for is the Advent tradition of his family. Our first Christmas after we were married, his parents brought us a yule log for our home, and every day of Advent we light a candle and have devotions. This is really priceless time in the midst of the holiday season. It has been fun to see our kids grow to appreciate this time, and I often find myself wishing I could freeze that moment, that time would stop, and we would be able to just sit there and keep singing Christmas carols and praying and snuggling up in the candlelight.

Advent means "coming". I wonder, what is "coming" next? We spend this season celebrating when the messiah came the first time - what's next on His agenda? I'm excited when I think about what God has in store. For me personally, I hope He comes and brings increased intensity of intimacy in my relationship with Him.

I had a rough moment when we put our Christmas tree up this year. In the Christmas stuff, I found an ornament I bought after the season last year. At the time we didn't know how completely everything in Guatemala would shut down, so I bought an ornament in case our daughter would be referred to us and had been born last year. I saw the box and just cried. Broken heart. Another Christmas without her here. Or close to being here. So I cried for a few moments, while my beautiful, biological daughter hugged me and assured me it was okay. And it is. The ornament is a baby in a cradle, and it had a sign on it that said, "baby's first Christmas". I took the sign off and put the ornament on the tree. She's here. In my heart. In Ryan's heart. In Madison's heart. In Michael's heart. Max, he's clueless :)
Here's the ornament on the tree:


So, I guess I am hoping, praying, and expecting, that our baby girl is another thing on God's agenda - something else that is coming. I'm hoping that next Christmas I'll put her ornament on the tree either with her help, or with her face in my mind. God is so vast, and so amazing, and His ways are not our ways. Who knows what he will do? Who knows what's coming?

My God is Super Terrific Fabulous

God in his incredible goodness has done something fabulous and wonderful for me. Actually not just for me, but I feel special and loved just the same! We got an email from our adoption agency today that said the board has decided to extend the postponement contract until November 1, 2009. This is so awesome, because now instead of having only 3 months for Guatemala to have something in place, we know have a year. Praise God! This is a HUGE answer to prayer, and a reminder of how good and faithful He is! Thanks to all who have been praying with us, it is working!!!

Gut Reactions

Well, I spent three days in the belly of the great fish, and I've now been urped onto the shore. My circumstances haven't changed, in fact, by earthly perspectives they may have even deteriorated, but I'm not going there. My prayer perspective has changed, and that is good.

The biggest change has been in my perspective of to whom I am praying. At times in our adoption process, I have literally BEGGED and pleaded for God to do something. I was doing this earlier this week. During my fast, God revealed to me that when I was begging, I was approaching him like a distant king, one who does not really know what his subjects are going through, or necessarily cares. It was like I was groveling for mercy at the feet of one who could care less what happens to me. This is what I was doing, this was the God I was praying to in certain moments. God told me, "Why don't you talk to me like I'm your friend who has influence and ability to help you in your need? Stop begging me like I don't care, and talk to me like you would a friend who can help you."

That's not all he had to say about this approach. He also told me, "Come crawl on your father's lap and tell me what you want." My relationship with God has always been based on him being my father. I have fully embraced that type of relationship with him. But I realized that I often hold back telling him things I want, because I don't really have the faith that he's willing to give what I ask. He said to me, "Come here and tell me exactly what you want, because it could be that I want to give you what you ask for, and I can't give it if you don't ask." The feeling was like a Christmas list - I want to give you exactly what you want because I love you, so tell me what you want.

So I told him. Everything. I specifically asked for the whole kit and kaboodle. I prayed for perfection. No holds barred. I told my influential friend, my loving father who wants to give, I told him everything. I made every request. I even complained. And argued. And questioned. And pleaded - to my close friend, not a distant king. And I cried. And I expressed every concern, confusion, frustration, and disappointment I thought of, and I laid it all on the line. And I continue to hear my friend and father ask me, "Will you wait here with me? Will you be here with me? Even when it seems impossible, will you remain in my hope, trust in my goodness, believe in my power? Will you stay?"

Even as I type this I'm hearing the verses, "if you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you." (John 15:7) See, I think he's calling me to be a true fan, not a bandwagon believer. As a Cubs fan, I've experienced heartbreak and frustration, but I'm always faithful to cheer for them above all others. There is no other team for me. It drives me crazy when these bandwagon Cubs fans come out of the woodwork during their good years, and bash them in the off years. How much can those fans possibly mean to the team? I guarantee not even remotely as much as the faithful who have stood through the dry spells and the disappointment.

He wants me to remain, to trust, to hope, to dream, to believe in his goodness, to be his fan above all others, whether it feels, looks, or sounds good or not. And you know, at the end of this week, after my fast was over, sitting on the bathroom floor in our bedroom, after crying and praying for about an hour, I realized something - I'm there.

As hard as it is to do, and as ridiculous as it might seem, I'm choosing to believe that he will do this miracle. Nothing on this earth right now tells me to do this. In fact, this earth does nothing but speak death to this place. But Jesus is life, not death. His kingdom is not of this world. His ways are higher than my ways. He is hope for the hopeless. And he tells me, why not try this out? Why not ask me for a miracle and then stick around to see if I do it?

The challenge is overcoming my flesh. My fleshly brain has trouble wrapping my head around the miraculous. But Jesus is my friend and he understands this (he himself came here and used a fleshly brain). So he's going to help me. The other challenge is overcoming my pride. I don't like to fail and I don't like to look foolish. I'm afraid to say "God's going to do a miracle" because what if he doesn't. Well, to say the least, I just have to get over that fear and that pride. I have to give it over to Jesus, because how can he do miraculous things for those who have too much fear and pride to ask for them?

So, here's hoping for a miracle. From where I sit right now, God has until February 1, 2009, to change everything (eta - this is the date our postponement contract expires). I'm believing and mostly REALLY REALLY hoping, he will do it (I have NO DOUBT he is able!). In all this I know that on February 2, 2009, I could end up devasted, flat on my face, and grieving. But so what? I may look like a fool, but I'll be a fool for Christ, and that I will count as a privilege. There will be no regrets, only resolve. Resolve to believe that he is still good, he is still loving, and he is still for us. Resolve to continue following him to the sweet end. Resolve to continue asking for miracles and to still believe he will answer prayer.

I will remain. With no regrets. Only resolve.

Looking For Life

I'm looking for life today. I'm looking for life in our adoption. I'm looking for God's life, God's power, God's ability to resurrect the dead, to breathe life into the lifeless. As we wait out this situation, God speaks to me. I love the things he says. He's been very gracious and kind to me and taught me so much during this whole process. The problem is, what he says is hard to believe because of what is happening, which is nothing. God assures me I will have a daughter. I even feel like he's assured me she will be Guatemalan. But Guatemala isn't cooperating with God right now. So the reality and truth APPEAR to be that it won't happen. BUT, what I want to live by and what I want to trust in is GOD'S REALITY and GOD'S TRUTH, which is a challenge for my human flesh. I need an increase of faith, a faith that is bigger than my human mind can comprehend. A faith that believes in and dwells on what it cannot see.

As I contemplated this last night and prayed about this situation (as it seems some decisions might be made soon), I felt called to pray and fast. And for some reason I felt led to do it for 3 days. Jesus spent 3 days in the tomb, Jonah spent 3 days in the belly of a great fish, so I guess I'm going to spend 3 days in a tomb/belly of sorts. My expectation is that my perspective will have changed once I get urped on the shore. My hope is that there is resurrection life following it. I'm expecting God to do something supernatural in the natural and change everything.

But what if he doesn't? He asked me this last night. I had been at prayer group at church and during that time of prayer told God I would run, crawl, claw my way to be deeper in him. So when I came home and read an email that information would be coming later this week from Guatemala, he asked me, "what if it doesn't happen?"

Here's all I have to say: Whether God ever does one good thing for me ever again or not, I will still crawl, claw, bite, fight, run, wrestle my way to his presence. AND I WILL PRAISE HIM, for he is the God who loved me when there was no reason to, never left me even when I was rebelling, took my trash and gave me treasure, took my pain and gave me healing, took my shame and gave me an inheritance, took my life and gave me eternity. It's so much more than I deserve to be given, and contains none of what I truly did deserve.

So here I go, down the gullet of the fish, into the belly, the tomb, to face whatever he brings before me and to come out of it changed. And in his extravagant goodness I'm hoping that not just will I be changed, but so will my circumstances. Either way, I love him.

Diligent

I haven't written much about our adoption lately. Honestly, since we receive little to no information, there isn't much to report. Also, since life goes on while we are waiting, I haven't been as focused on it all. After we got back from vacation, and school was done for summer, I realized that I haven't been praying as much about it, and I haven't worked on some of my adoption projects (like the scrapbook). I've just been kind of in neutral gear. It's never far from my mind, but I'm not as emotionally engaged in it all right now.

So, last week I was seeking the Lord's encouragement, and as always, I found He had much to say, and that it spoke straight to my heart.

I asked the Holy Spirit last week to speak to me about our adoption, and I felt the Lord tell me, "Commit your way to the Lord", which to me, is encouragement to pray. I was reading scripture and in Psalm 13:3 I read the phrase, "Give light to my eyes..." I felt that I should pray and ask God to continue to bring light to my eyes concerning our adoption, since we can't SEE anything happening. He then led me to Proverbs, a book I seldom read, and in chapter 13, verse 4, I read: "The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied." Needless to say, I felt convicted to keep praying.

If that wasn't enough, I went to flip my perpetual calendar, and here was the quote for the day: "A delayed answer to a persistent prayer teaches us all that God's timing is perfect and we must be faithful to continue in prayer and not grow weary in waiting." Okay, Lord, message received!

According to Webster's, DILIGENT means "characterized by steady, earnest, and energetic application and effort; painstaking." So, this is the type of prayer I am pursuing, in hopes that the "desires of the diligent will be fully satisfied." Please make it so, Lord!

Keep Praying

We got a little bit of news last week from Guatemala. It's hard sometimes to update people because there are so many different things and details, but I'll try to just sum up everything. We're encouraged that Guatemala is working on getting a new process in place. We're also encouraged that they appear to be developing more children's services in their country on a whole. The time frame for the new process being in place is still far out. Also, the adoption law right now states that only the government can place children, not children's homes. We would like to see that changed so that the children's homes can continue to function, and we have desired all along for our daughter's mother to live at the promise of life house and our daughter to live at Hannah's Hope and be referred to us from that program. So, it's encouraging to see stuff happening, but there is still plenty to keep praying about. Thanks to all of you who continue to remember us while we "be still and know that He is God".

Resting

Tomorrow it will be one year since we went on the baby girl waiting list. Isn't life funny how things work out sometimes? If I had known then what I know now, I would have been freaking out. Today I'm just resting. I'm resting in my big, powerful God - I'm being still, and just knowing who He is. In my humanness, I'm sad to think a year has passed with nothing to show for it, but in His almighty Godness, He's doing something that takes some time. Time is different for God and me. I'm trying to adapt to His viewpoint. I trying to think eternally instead of temporally. And really, I shouldn't say a year has passed with nothing to show for it, because even though our adoption situation hasn't changed, WE have changed. Ryan and I, and even the kids, have grown so much through all of this. Our faith has expanded, we have a bigger capacity to trust God. We have grown in our ability to "wait on the Lord". We are better individuals, a better couple, and a better family than we were a year ago. We have a deeper love and desire for Jesus and all things of Him than we did a year ago. We are more patient (at least I am - Ryan's always had the patience stuff down!), more at peace, more joyful, more hopeful, more loving, more devoted, and more commited than we were a year ago. Imagine what God will have done with us, and how far He will have brought us, when this whole thing is complete! That's exciting, because as much as I want a baby girl in my home, I even more so want to be God's baby girl, His precious child, who acts in a way that is pleasing to Him, and that brings glory to Him. Thank you, God, for your patience with me. Help me to continue to obediently rest in you!

Random Thoughts Vol.6

Welcome to random thoughts, basically a purging of what is in my mind whether truly interesting or not. Don't you love the picture above? That would be my mouth, with my newly installed bottom braces. All I can say is that I truly hate them. My mouth is getting better - I only need wax on one side now instead of all the way across - but things are still very achy. Plus, I will occasionally spray saliva out of my mouth, which is just inconvenient. Oh well, as Ryan says, only 18 months to go!

You may have noticed that I didn't post my opinion on last week's
American Idol. The reason is that my mom always taught me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. So, this once I will heed my mother's advice and only say that I hope this week is better.

As far as other television viewing, Lost continues to entertain and astound me. I'll miss it while it is off for a few weeks. Even though there have been a few flawed episodes, its worst is better than most that is on network tv. I've missed the last couple of episodes of Survivor, but since I read spoilers online, I usually know pretty much what will happen anyway. Our church is starting a new sermon series using Survivor as a theme, so there are cool Survivor decorations all around. Very fun! One show I find very fun to make fun of is America's Next Top Model. Ridiculous!

This weekend we finally bought a new refrigerator. The kids are more excited than Ryan and me! They are mostly excited about it having ice and water in the door. I'm excited because we bought our old one used when we moved into this house, so it had seen better days. I was finding it funny that Michael was so interested in how much the refrigerator cost. After we left the store, Michael asked Ryan how much it cost, and when Ryan told him, Michael asked, "How much money do you have left?" Then we had to explain the whole working for a living, saving money, blah, blah, blah. It is funny how their minds work!

While we were at Pokagon State Park last week, we stopped at the outlet mall in Fremont and as a family we picked out a snuggly blanket for our baby girl. It's one of those unguarded heart moments, but that's okay. I'm doing much better with that. I'm choosing faith, hope, and joy. Here's a picture of it. It says "butterfly kisses" on it, which reminds me of an episode of SpongeBob Squarepants, which makes me smile.

Encouraged To Celebrate

I've posted before about my "heart monitor", my way of protecting myself from getting hurt or disappointed through our adoption process. Recently, God spoke to me about this. For a while now, I'm been holding onto the verse, "the joy of the Lord is my strength." So, the other night I decided to look it up so I could write the verse and its reference in my notebook. Well, my guess was that it was in the Psalms, but I was wrong. It is in the book of Nehemiah, and it is the second half of a verse. It comes after the Israelite exiles have returned to Jerusalem and rebuilt the walls of the city, and the priest has read to everyone the laws given to Moses. The people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law. Then Nehemiah says, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." It goes on to say that the people celebrated with great joy.

I was so encouraged about this, because I often really hold back from celebrating our baby girl. I try to keep my heart so closely monitored, instead of full out celebrating what I believe will happen. I want to whole heartedly believe that God will bring our baby girl to us, and excitedly anticipate it. I was explaining it to Ryan and said that it's like when the Chicago Cubs win the World Series - for fans like him and me, those victories will be super sweet because we have hung in there through some very tough times with the Cubs (we've both been fans since we were kids). But, in the midst of their run for the title, there will be bandwagon fans, who, when it seems apparent that the Cubs are going all the way, will be saying, "oh yeah, we knew they could do it!" I don't want to be a bandwagon believer - celebrating and believing once the victory is finally within reach. I want to celebrate and believe even when it seems impossible, which is where our adoption resides right now. I look around me and nothing implies that this baby will be in our house for sure in the next 2 years, if ever. Nothing except one - GOD! And what HE says, I will trust. And when He gets her here, how much sweeter it will be because we had faith all along that it would happen. Thank you, Precious Lord! I will faithfully trust, come what may!

The Wait For Deliverance

Today we sent in our postponement contract and are now officially waiting for Guatemala to reopen. I'm grateful for the peace I have from the Lord. Grateful also, that through a listserve group from our agency, we have 9 other waiting families to pass the time with through email and blogging. God is good!

Recently I was reading in the book of Exodus (during my Lenten time of "fasting" from Seinfeld) and a portion of the story really spoke to me. The Israelites have been released by Pharoah, but now the Egyptians are pursuing them. In their maturity, and their discerning ability to see the big picture (just kidding), they start questioning Moses. They wonder why he brought them to the desert to die, and they lament leaving Egypt, and so on. In chapter 14, verses 13-14, Moses answered them,

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."

I think this spoke to me so much because at this point in our adoption, we are powerless to do anything. It's so nice to know that we need only be still, that the Lord will fight for us. As we "be still and know that He is God", we need to stand firm in our faith, stand firm in our call. He brought us to this place, and I firmly believe, like He did for the Israelites, that He will part the waters and make a way in order for us to go where He wants us. I'm excited to see the deliverance the Lord has planned for us. It won't be as dramatic as parting the sea, but it will be miraculous none-the-less. I pray we will keep our focus, not be distracted or worried by the "Egyptians" around us, not regret coming to this place He called us to, but that instead we will be full of hope and anticipation for the place He is taking us. I want to joyfully embrace this choice to wait for deliverance, and be blown away when God stretches out His hand.

Frosting On This Cupcake Called Life

I continue to be amazed by the graciousness and lavishness of my God's love. At our church today we watched a video, which basically helped drive home the powerful point that our God is HUGE and we are small. But the best part is that even though He's soooooo big, He cares intimately about us. It's unbelievable that the God of the universe cares so much for me. What's even more amazing, beyond all that He's already done, is that He will do precious, priceless things for us, just because He loves us. This happened to me on Saturday when I was at a prophetic workshop at church (which is a while other discussion for another time). Anyway, there was an activity at the workshop where each person drew two numbers - one representing them and one respresenting someone else in the room. We were to pray and listen for God to give us a prophetic word for the other person, not knowing who they were. When we were finished, we found out who had the number and gave them the paper with the words God had given us. So, I look at my paper, and everything on it is so beautiful and enouraging - precious words from my precious Lord. I felt so loved by Him! But, the last thing on the paper was the best of all. We've been preparing to sign the postponement contract for our adoption, and continuing to seek God and His assurances that we are doing what we should. It is such a leap of faith, and it could possibly end with us not getting a Guatemalan baby girl. When I got to the last sentence of my paper, my word from the Lord, it said, "Dwell on what you don't see." My heart just melted. So much love in those words, so much compassion. My God, who has already suffered and died for my sins, healed me in numerous ways, and blessed me far beyond what I deserve, decided, out of His goodness and love, to speak these precious words to me. I was so grateful, and continue to be grateful. This, my friends,is part of the frosting on my cupcake called life. God's sweetness poured over God's goodness - "taste and see that the Lord is good..."

A More Relevant Blog

As much as I know you find my blog to be interesting, insightful, and delightful (wow, I'm working it here), check out this blog for Buckner International . The blog is for people taking mission trips through their organization, which includes an adoption agency. I found this blog because it was on the blogger site's Blogs of Note list. Anyway, the recent blog posts feature Geoff Moore and Susan Grey, two Christian music artists. Reading the stories of what they are seeing in Guatemala, and especially the recent posts about Honduras, simply break my heart. Imagine how God's heart must feel!

Waiting Room

Isaiah 30:18-21 - "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice from behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it."

I'm so humbled by my God today. I will never cease to be amazed by his goodness. The final verse of this passage came to my memory today when I realized that this was the type of direction the Lord was giving me. I believe today he gave me a gentle reassurance that Ryan and I know the right path, and he is releasing us to walk in it.

All along, our hearts have been set on a baby girl from Guatemala. As delays and problems come up, we've always had the option of changing programs. Our hearts, however were not changed. At one point I thought I could change to Nepal, but then I realized we were not eligible to adopt from there (due to already having a child of each gender). Now, there are 3 programs we could switch to if we wanted, and only one slightly appealed to us right now, Vietnam. My heart wasn't there, but I thought, well maybe if I'm supposed to, or if I have to, I could do that. But I just felt more compelled to wait for Guatemala than to switch to Vietnam. Today on the phone a friend asked me a question about our agency's Vietnam program, and when I looked it up online, I saw a new warning message that do to circumstances in Vietnam, they are not taking applications for the program. What a blessing this was! I am right to wait for that which God has placed on my heart, and he reassured me of that today.

In the verses prior to the ones I posted, the Lord is talking about how "repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said,'no we will flee on horses." It was the idea that they were fleeing seeking what they wanted, rather than waiting on the Lord for what he had for them. That's why it said, "blessed are all who wait for him." How often do we do this, take matters into our own hands because we can't wait. I can think of a couple of jobs I had that I didn't like because I rushed in and didn't wait on the Lord. Just think, last week, or even last month, I could have said, "it's too long to wait, let's switch." and then that news today about Vietnam would have been a tragedy instead of a blessing. Sometimes we get so worked up because we have it in our head that we really want something, or that something is soooo important to us, that we prioritize it higher than God and his will. It then becomes an idol of sorts, we pursue it with passion and vigor, trying to make it happen, rather than pursuing God with passion and vigor, and letting him do as he pleases. The verse following the ones I posted says, "Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, 'Away with you!" Gross, right? But, that is how things in our life that are contrary to God's will and plan for us should be, offensive. I want to cast down my idols, give my heart and soul only to God, and the reap the benefit of a life that is surrendered to him in everything. If it means being in the center of his perfect will and plan for me and my family, then I have plenty of waiting room in my soul. I'll wait the full year my agency projects for Guatemala to reopen if I have to, and will not change unless God says so. He offers repentance, rest, salvation, quietness, trust, strength, and I want ALL of it. I will not flee on a horse and try to make something else happen. I will wait here until he whispers, "This is the way, walk in it" to me again.

Following God's Heart

Today we heard from our adoption agency. Things are not progressing in Guatemala, and they do not see the country developing a new process until the end of this year. That is simply an estimate, and something could happen sooner than that, but based on how things are going with the cases in process, they just don't see the process for new cases being established sooner than that.

So, we have 3 options: Postpone our adoption and wait until the country opens again, transfer to a different country program, or stop altogether. We have no intention of stopping, and we don't feel called to any of the other countries right now, so I guess we're on board for the wait. We don't have to decide right away, so we'll take to pray and to consider everything, and most importantly, to listen for the Lord's wisdom. I'm disappointed, but not discouraged. I have faith that God knows exactly what will happen, so I plan to follow Him and His heart for us. There are moments when I think that such a wait is crazy, but if you read Hebrews 11, maybe waiting isn't so crazy after all.

A Defining Dream

Recently someone asked me how I was doing (in relation to our adoption), and when I said "I'm doing great", this person seemed surprised. So, I thought I would write about something that happened that brought me tremendous peace concerning our adoption.

It was probably early in December, and I had a dream. In the dream, our family was in the van, and I was driving, and we were going up a very steep highway. It was winter, and the road was basically a sheet of ice. As we were headed up this steep road, an animal, with the head of a moose and the body of a mastodon came out of the woods on the opposite side of the road, about 50 yards away (is anyone still reading?). So, the animal is like lumbering out into the road, and traffic is stopped, and the road is so icy that this thing slips and falls to the ground, knocking itself unconscious. It's body then begins to slide down the slope of the road, and it is headed for our van. It continues to slide and knocks our van over the drop-off on the side of the road. Our van rolled, but when we came to a stop, we were all okay. Next, we have made it back to the road, and our van is on the road and all the traffic is stopped. At that point I realize that my mom was a couple of cars in front of us when the accident happened. She is coming back to check on us, and when she sees us all standing on the road, she sinks to the pavement, sobbing uncontrollably. When I see her do this, I get very angry. I am mad that she is crying, when she can see that we are all perfectly fine.

Okay, that was the dream (at least part of it anyway). So, I wake up in the morning, and I go into the bathroom and I'm thinking about this dream, and I'm like, what was up with that? Why was I so mad at my mom for reacting like that?

Then, God spoke to me, and this is what He said: "Why would you mourn for something you haven't lost?"

That's when I realized I had been doing that about our baby girl. I was mourning like I had lost her. I had taken the news about the adoption delay in such a way as if it was over, even though I knew it wasn't, but that was how I was responding. (Just like in the dream, mom knows we're okay, but she responds to what could have happened.) God didn't tell me my baby girl was lost, and until He does, she isn't. She's just delayed in coming, fashionably late. Taking after her mother already!

This dream, and God's words to me about it, were a defining moment for me. I'm thankful for the encouragement God brought to me and the creative way He did it.

Living Like A Daughter

I've recently finished reading a couple of books about adoption. I greatly appreciated both of them. I wanted to share a portion of the one with you. This excerpt is from Carried Safely Home by Kristin Wong. She has been explaining the adjustment her sons (who were both around age 2) went through from being orphans in Vietnam to being sons in their family. I appreciate the challenge to live like a daughter!

...behaviors occasionally surfaced that reminded us of the boys' fearful reactions those first days in Vietnam...The changes in their lives were enormous...So many changes had just raged through their lives - how could they know that there were not more coming? There was nothing we could do but continue to be present for them until they felt secure. I wanted to be able to speak directly into their souls to alleviate their angst: 'Stop acting like an orphan,' I pled with Josiah (knowing he couldn't understand)'You're not an orphan anymore; you're our son!'
The legal declaration of a child's status usually comes in black and white: With signatures on paper and the ruling of a judge, a child changes from being a ward of the state to being the son or daughter of parents. But other changes from orphan to son or daughter spread through a child's life more gradually. It takes orphans time to live fully in their new identity. It takes time, when you have been an orphan, to believe you are a son. Pockets of orphan remnants may remain hidden for years and then surface unexpectedly...
As I think about the coping behavior of abandoned orphans, and observe my own boys struggle to understand what it means to live in a family, I also think about my own life. As God's adopted daughter, I too, am being gradually transformed, as my behavior and emotions come to more closely match my real identity. My own hidden orphan remnants surface at times...
Orphans transformed into sons and daughters delight the hearts of their parents. I was sad for my sons when they showed their orphan remnants and delighted when they began relaxing and feeling secure...
He {God} must be honored when our freedom and joy show that we trust his care for us. I am not an abandoned orphan, but a beloved child of God. But sometimes I forget. And he tells me: 'Stop acting like an orphan; you are my daughter!"

Flashes of Hope

During Christmas break, we went to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago with some friends. At Christmas time, the museum always has a display of different Christmas trees decorated for countries around the world. Madison and I found the Guatemala tree, which happened to be right by the China tree. When we were coming up, I saw a family with, who I assume was, their adopted Chinese daughter. Someone was taking a picture of their entire family in front of the China tree. I like seeing things like this. It gives me hope that someday our daughter will be here, and we'll be doing things like that. I also like seeing 2 little girls at church who have recently been adopted from other countries. They are like living breathing hope to me. My friend who was with us offered to take our family's picture in front of the Guatemala tree. I hope the next time that our baby girl gets to be in the picture with us.

Heart Monitor

This blog seems as good a place as any to talk about my heart for adoption. I would guess that 100% of the 3 people who will ever read this blog know about my desire for a Guatemalan baby girl. I've been asked "why" and "how did you decide", and I have logical answers for these questions, but what I can't explain is my heart. That is just a God thing. It's like He planted this seed in my heart, and it took root, and now it is growing. It is a seed of love, inexplicable love. Sometimes it surprises even me. Because of the length of the process, I've been "monitoring" my heart, protecting it if you will, from getting too excited, too emotionally involved with my adoption. Every so often, I stop monitoring my heart for different reasons. For example, whenever there is news of delays or uncertainty in the process, the monitor shuts off, and I feel pain and disappointment. These times I really don't choose to have this happen, it's just an emotional instinct at that moment. Other times, I choose, ever so briefly, to stop monitoring my heart and to let it feel all the love that is there for my baby girl.

I let myself do this last Sunday when I was clearance shopping at Old Navy. I haven't purchased many things for our baby girl, mostly out of protection for myself, and lack of storage at my house. But, on Sunday I couldn't resist buying a soft little jacket and sweat pants for my baby girl. When I first saw it, I thought I would buy it for my friend who is about to give birth to a little girl, but then I thought, no, I want that for MY baby girl (sorry, Jane!). Anyway, I let myself do it. (On a side note, the 3 pieces of the outfit cost less than $10 - I love clearance sales!) When I brought it home and showed it to Ryan, I held it to me and just ached to see my baby girl in it. I'm sure she'll have lots of dark hair that will look so beautiful in that creamy color. The crazy thing is, my heart nearly exploded with love for this little girl whom I don't even know yet. I ached and longed for her, yet I don't even know her. This is why I wear my "heart monitor", because it is too hard every day to have your heart exploding with this love, and not have the child with you to lavish it on her. How hard it is for families who, like I eventually will be, are waiting to be reunited with their children they have already met!

I took this picture of the outfit so you could see it, and then I stuck it back in the bag and put it under my bed, where it will stay until another day when I choose to let my heart go unmonitored.