Looking For Life

I'm looking for life today. I'm looking for life in our adoption. I'm looking for God's life, God's power, God's ability to resurrect the dead, to breathe life into the lifeless. As we wait out this situation, God speaks to me. I love the things he says. He's been very gracious and kind to me and taught me so much during this whole process. The problem is, what he says is hard to believe because of what is happening, which is nothing. God assures me I will have a daughter. I even feel like he's assured me she will be Guatemalan. But Guatemala isn't cooperating with God right now. So the reality and truth APPEAR to be that it won't happen. BUT, what I want to live by and what I want to trust in is GOD'S REALITY and GOD'S TRUTH, which is a challenge for my human flesh. I need an increase of faith, a faith that is bigger than my human mind can comprehend. A faith that believes in and dwells on what it cannot see.

As I contemplated this last night and prayed about this situation (as it seems some decisions might be made soon), I felt called to pray and fast. And for some reason I felt led to do it for 3 days. Jesus spent 3 days in the tomb, Jonah spent 3 days in the belly of a great fish, so I guess I'm going to spend 3 days in a tomb/belly of sorts. My expectation is that my perspective will have changed once I get urped on the shore. My hope is that there is resurrection life following it. I'm expecting God to do something supernatural in the natural and change everything.

But what if he doesn't? He asked me this last night. I had been at prayer group at church and during that time of prayer told God I would run, crawl, claw my way to be deeper in him. So when I came home and read an email that information would be coming later this week from Guatemala, he asked me, "what if it doesn't happen?"

Here's all I have to say: Whether God ever does one good thing for me ever again or not, I will still crawl, claw, bite, fight, run, wrestle my way to his presence. AND I WILL PRAISE HIM, for he is the God who loved me when there was no reason to, never left me even when I was rebelling, took my trash and gave me treasure, took my pain and gave me healing, took my shame and gave me an inheritance, took my life and gave me eternity. It's so much more than I deserve to be given, and contains none of what I truly did deserve.

So here I go, down the gullet of the fish, into the belly, the tomb, to face whatever he brings before me and to come out of it changed. And in his extravagant goodness I'm hoping that not just will I be changed, but so will my circumstances. Either way, I love him.