Heart Monitor

This blog seems as good a place as any to talk about my heart for adoption. I would guess that 100% of the 3 people who will ever read this blog know about my desire for a Guatemalan baby girl. I've been asked "why" and "how did you decide", and I have logical answers for these questions, but what I can't explain is my heart. That is just a God thing. It's like He planted this seed in my heart, and it took root, and now it is growing. It is a seed of love, inexplicable love. Sometimes it surprises even me. Because of the length of the process, I've been "monitoring" my heart, protecting it if you will, from getting too excited, too emotionally involved with my adoption. Every so often, I stop monitoring my heart for different reasons. For example, whenever there is news of delays or uncertainty in the process, the monitor shuts off, and I feel pain and disappointment. These times I really don't choose to have this happen, it's just an emotional instinct at that moment. Other times, I choose, ever so briefly, to stop monitoring my heart and to let it feel all the love that is there for my baby girl.

I let myself do this last Sunday when I was clearance shopping at Old Navy. I haven't purchased many things for our baby girl, mostly out of protection for myself, and lack of storage at my house. But, on Sunday I couldn't resist buying a soft little jacket and sweat pants for my baby girl. When I first saw it, I thought I would buy it for my friend who is about to give birth to a little girl, but then I thought, no, I want that for MY baby girl (sorry, Jane!). Anyway, I let myself do it. (On a side note, the 3 pieces of the outfit cost less than $10 - I love clearance sales!) When I brought it home and showed it to Ryan, I held it to me and just ached to see my baby girl in it. I'm sure she'll have lots of dark hair that will look so beautiful in that creamy color. The crazy thing is, my heart nearly exploded with love for this little girl whom I don't even know yet. I ached and longed for her, yet I don't even know her. This is why I wear my "heart monitor", because it is too hard every day to have your heart exploding with this love, and not have the child with you to lavish it on her. How hard it is for families who, like I eventually will be, are waiting to be reunited with their children they have already met!

I took this picture of the outfit so you could see it, and then I stuck it back in the bag and put it under my bed, where it will stay until another day when I choose to let my heart go unmonitored.