Waiting Room

Isaiah 30:18-21 - "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice from behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it."

I'm so humbled by my God today. I will never cease to be amazed by his goodness. The final verse of this passage came to my memory today when I realized that this was the type of direction the Lord was giving me. I believe today he gave me a gentle reassurance that Ryan and I know the right path, and he is releasing us to walk in it.

All along, our hearts have been set on a baby girl from Guatemala. As delays and problems come up, we've always had the option of changing programs. Our hearts, however were not changed. At one point I thought I could change to Nepal, but then I realized we were not eligible to adopt from there (due to already having a child of each gender). Now, there are 3 programs we could switch to if we wanted, and only one slightly appealed to us right now, Vietnam. My heart wasn't there, but I thought, well maybe if I'm supposed to, or if I have to, I could do that. But I just felt more compelled to wait for Guatemala than to switch to Vietnam. Today on the phone a friend asked me a question about our agency's Vietnam program, and when I looked it up online, I saw a new warning message that do to circumstances in Vietnam, they are not taking applications for the program. What a blessing this was! I am right to wait for that which God has placed on my heart, and he reassured me of that today.

In the verses prior to the ones I posted, the Lord is talking about how "repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. You said,'no we will flee on horses." It was the idea that they were fleeing seeking what they wanted, rather than waiting on the Lord for what he had for them. That's why it said, "blessed are all who wait for him." How often do we do this, take matters into our own hands because we can't wait. I can think of a couple of jobs I had that I didn't like because I rushed in and didn't wait on the Lord. Just think, last week, or even last month, I could have said, "it's too long to wait, let's switch." and then that news today about Vietnam would have been a tragedy instead of a blessing. Sometimes we get so worked up because we have it in our head that we really want something, or that something is soooo important to us, that we prioritize it higher than God and his will. It then becomes an idol of sorts, we pursue it with passion and vigor, trying to make it happen, rather than pursuing God with passion and vigor, and letting him do as he pleases. The verse following the ones I posted says, "Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, 'Away with you!" Gross, right? But, that is how things in our life that are contrary to God's will and plan for us should be, offensive. I want to cast down my idols, give my heart and soul only to God, and the reap the benefit of a life that is surrendered to him in everything. If it means being in the center of his perfect will and plan for me and my family, then I have plenty of waiting room in my soul. I'll wait the full year my agency projects for Guatemala to reopen if I have to, and will not change unless God says so. He offers repentance, rest, salvation, quietness, trust, strength, and I want ALL of it. I will not flee on a horse and try to make something else happen. I will wait here until he whispers, "This is the way, walk in it" to me again.

One Wild Weekend

I'm finally recovered from my scrapbooking weekend. I would have posted yesterday, but I was needing all of my brain power just to function due to lack of sleep over the weekend. I was feeling my full 35 1/2 years yesterday (although this woman at prayer group last night was surprised when I told her I was 35, she thought I was like 26 or 27. She's my new best friend, by the way.) We had such an awesome weekend! It was perfect. My old friends, Tee & Ed, clicked so well with my new friend, Kimmie K., and we had so much great soul-cleansing laughter. We had some great food at the Essenhaus, although Ed and I consumed a few Rolaids afterward. I got 43 sides done throughout 4 different albums. My kids albums are now current, and my family album is ready for December. Kim and I stayed up until 8:00 AM Saturday morning, and got up around 11:00 AM. (Tee and Ed stayed up almost as long). The next night, Tee, Ed, and I stayed up until 3:00 AM, then we got up at 8:00 AM, so Kim and I could come back to go to church. Kim and I stayed at the crop until 6:00 Sunday night. There were also lots of fun free goodies that we received throughout the weekend. We can't wait until next year! If anyone is interested, the Winterfest crop will be the last weekend of January next year, so if you want to join the loudest and most obnoxious table there (as well as the most fun table), let us know! I'm posting some pictures of layouts from each album, as well as a picture that has a 12X12 album I bought for Max, and 2 albums I got for free during the weekend.

Crop Til I Drop!

In a about 5 hours I leave for the big weekend crop. I'm excited for a chance to get away, to work on albums, and to hang out with friends. Oh, and for a chance to laugh, which I expect to have happen a lot over the next few days. I'm cropping with my old friends, Debbie "Ed" DeBoer & Tina "Tee" Green, as well as my new friend from church, Kim "Kimmie K." Carpenter. We'll also be spending time with my friend, and Creative Memories Consultant, Jodi "Artistic Hair" Oldfather, and her friends - Mindy "Can't Remember Her Last Name", and Rosanna "I Never Knew Her Last Name". I giggle just to think about! So, on Monday I'll be back online to brag about how much more I got done than Ed, I MEAN, to blog about how the weekend went. (I'm posting pictures of the cover of the new family album that I got for Christmas, and the calendar page I did to start off that album)

Following God's Heart

Today we heard from our adoption agency. Things are not progressing in Guatemala, and they do not see the country developing a new process until the end of this year. That is simply an estimate, and something could happen sooner than that, but based on how things are going with the cases in process, they just don't see the process for new cases being established sooner than that.

So, we have 3 options: Postpone our adoption and wait until the country opens again, transfer to a different country program, or stop altogether. We have no intention of stopping, and we don't feel called to any of the other countries right now, so I guess we're on board for the wait. We don't have to decide right away, so we'll take to pray and to consider everything, and most importantly, to listen for the Lord's wisdom. I'm disappointed, but not discouraged. I have faith that God knows exactly what will happen, so I plan to follow Him and His heart for us. There are moments when I think that such a wait is crazy, but if you read Hebrews 11, maybe waiting isn't so crazy after all.

A Defining Dream

Recently someone asked me how I was doing (in relation to our adoption), and when I said "I'm doing great", this person seemed surprised. So, I thought I would write about something that happened that brought me tremendous peace concerning our adoption.

It was probably early in December, and I had a dream. In the dream, our family was in the van, and I was driving, and we were going up a very steep highway. It was winter, and the road was basically a sheet of ice. As we were headed up this steep road, an animal, with the head of a moose and the body of a mastodon came out of the woods on the opposite side of the road, about 50 yards away (is anyone still reading?). So, the animal is like lumbering out into the road, and traffic is stopped, and the road is so icy that this thing slips and falls to the ground, knocking itself unconscious. It's body then begins to slide down the slope of the road, and it is headed for our van. It continues to slide and knocks our van over the drop-off on the side of the road. Our van rolled, but when we came to a stop, we were all okay. Next, we have made it back to the road, and our van is on the road and all the traffic is stopped. At that point I realize that my mom was a couple of cars in front of us when the accident happened. She is coming back to check on us, and when she sees us all standing on the road, she sinks to the pavement, sobbing uncontrollably. When I see her do this, I get very angry. I am mad that she is crying, when she can see that we are all perfectly fine.

Okay, that was the dream (at least part of it anyway). So, I wake up in the morning, and I go into the bathroom and I'm thinking about this dream, and I'm like, what was up with that? Why was I so mad at my mom for reacting like that?

Then, God spoke to me, and this is what He said: "Why would you mourn for something you haven't lost?"

That's when I realized I had been doing that about our baby girl. I was mourning like I had lost her. I had taken the news about the adoption delay in such a way as if it was over, even though I knew it wasn't, but that was how I was responding. (Just like in the dream, mom knows we're okay, but she responds to what could have happened.) God didn't tell me my baby girl was lost, and until He does, she isn't. She's just delayed in coming, fashionably late. Taking after her mother already!

This dream, and God's words to me about it, were a defining moment for me. I'm thankful for the encouragement God brought to me and the creative way He did it.

Countdown to the Crop

In three more days, I'll be headed to Winterfest, that January tradition of spending the weekend scrapbooking with friends. I've been cropping pictures, organizing paper, and trying to get everything I might possibly need altogether in my bag. I'm looking forward to getting caught up with all my albums. I'm also looking forward to lots of fun with friends. Winterfest is a great time to talk, laugh, and just get away for a break. Last year we also learned many valuable lessons, such as do not opt for the gas station hot dog at 2:00 in the morning, just say no to too much carmelized puffy snack, and perhaps most important, not everyone appreciates the pie already being on the table at dinner. So, let the countdown begin, and I'll let you know what we learn this year!

Living Like A Daughter

I've recently finished reading a couple of books about adoption. I greatly appreciated both of them. I wanted to share a portion of the one with you. This excerpt is from Carried Safely Home by Kristin Wong. She has been explaining the adjustment her sons (who were both around age 2) went through from being orphans in Vietnam to being sons in their family. I appreciate the challenge to live like a daughter!

...behaviors occasionally surfaced that reminded us of the boys' fearful reactions those first days in Vietnam...The changes in their lives were enormous...So many changes had just raged through their lives - how could they know that there were not more coming? There was nothing we could do but continue to be present for them until they felt secure. I wanted to be able to speak directly into their souls to alleviate their angst: 'Stop acting like an orphan,' I pled with Josiah (knowing he couldn't understand)'You're not an orphan anymore; you're our son!'
The legal declaration of a child's status usually comes in black and white: With signatures on paper and the ruling of a judge, a child changes from being a ward of the state to being the son or daughter of parents. But other changes from orphan to son or daughter spread through a child's life more gradually. It takes orphans time to live fully in their new identity. It takes time, when you have been an orphan, to believe you are a son. Pockets of orphan remnants may remain hidden for years and then surface unexpectedly...
As I think about the coping behavior of abandoned orphans, and observe my own boys struggle to understand what it means to live in a family, I also think about my own life. As God's adopted daughter, I too, am being gradually transformed, as my behavior and emotions come to more closely match my real identity. My own hidden orphan remnants surface at times...
Orphans transformed into sons and daughters delight the hearts of their parents. I was sad for my sons when they showed their orphan remnants and delighted when they began relaxing and feeling secure...
He {God} must be honored when our freedom and joy show that we trust his care for us. I am not an abandoned orphan, but a beloved child of God. But sometimes I forget. And he tells me: 'Stop acting like an orphan; you are my daughter!"

Upward Basketball

Michael had his first Upward Basketball game today. It was very exciting for all of us. The kids his age played better than I expected, and it was fun to watch. Michael is certainly learning a lot, and will probably learn much more before the season is over. This is our first experience with Upward Basketball, and we're finding it to be as enjoyable as our soccer experiences have been. So, for the next few weeks our Saturday mornings will be spent at Trinity Evangelical Free, cheering on Michael and the Golden Eagles!

Madison's New Do

The boys got a haircut today, but Madison got a new look. She decided she wanted her hair cut shorter than usual. So, she got probably 6 inches cut off. This is the shortest her hair has been since preschool. Since she's approaching her 9th birthday, it seemed like time for a fresh look.

Flashes of Hope

During Christmas break, we went to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago with some friends. At Christmas time, the museum always has a display of different Christmas trees decorated for countries around the world. Madison and I found the Guatemala tree, which happened to be right by the China tree. When we were coming up, I saw a family with, who I assume was, their adopted Chinese daughter. Someone was taking a picture of their entire family in front of the China tree. I like seeing things like this. It gives me hope that someday our daughter will be here, and we'll be doing things like that. I also like seeing 2 little girls at church who have recently been adopted from other countries. They are like living breathing hope to me. My friend who was with us offered to take our family's picture in front of the Guatemala tree. I hope the next time that our baby girl gets to be in the picture with us.

5 Complaint Busters

In one of our devotions for homeschool today, there was a suggested activity. The devotion was based on Philippians 2:14 - "Do everything without complaining or arguing". So, the activitiy was to think of 5 things you're most thankful for that God has given you. Then you draw pictures of these things on the poster, and put the poster up to remind you of these good things when you are complaining or arguing. It was a good exercise for my kids, who, interestingly enough, seemed very convicted about the lesson. I guess there is no denying that they often complain and argue. The kids made their posters, and it was fun to see what they put on them. It got me thinking, what would I put on my poster? So, here are the 5 things I'm most thankful for that God has given me, also known as, my complaint busters:

1. Salvation and Redemption - I'm so grateful that Jesus saved me, and has given me value and worth! Awesome!

2. An Intimate, Personal Relationship with My Savior - Not only did He save me, He desires to be my friend, my rock, my bridegroom. Amazing!

3. The Holy Spirit - What an incredible provision from God - His Spirit, dwelling in me, to help me on this journey. Crazy!

4. Ryan - More than I deserve, beyond what I had imagined, and with him life is so much more fun. Unbelievable!

5. My Children - I learn so much about God from them! They help me to see what it is like for our Heavenly Father. Plus, they are just fun to be around. Wild!

So, what are your complaint busters?

I'm Not The Only One

I was cracking up when I saw this! I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one with an aversion to clowns. For some reason the blog isn't letting me post links, so here is the webpage and you can copy and paste, if you're not too scared!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080116/od_nm/clowns_odd_dc

Heart Monitor

This blog seems as good a place as any to talk about my heart for adoption. I would guess that 100% of the 3 people who will ever read this blog know about my desire for a Guatemalan baby girl. I've been asked "why" and "how did you decide", and I have logical answers for these questions, but what I can't explain is my heart. That is just a God thing. It's like He planted this seed in my heart, and it took root, and now it is growing. It is a seed of love, inexplicable love. Sometimes it surprises even me. Because of the length of the process, I've been "monitoring" my heart, protecting it if you will, from getting too excited, too emotionally involved with my adoption. Every so often, I stop monitoring my heart for different reasons. For example, whenever there is news of delays or uncertainty in the process, the monitor shuts off, and I feel pain and disappointment. These times I really don't choose to have this happen, it's just an emotional instinct at that moment. Other times, I choose, ever so briefly, to stop monitoring my heart and to let it feel all the love that is there for my baby girl.

I let myself do this last Sunday when I was clearance shopping at Old Navy. I haven't purchased many things for our baby girl, mostly out of protection for myself, and lack of storage at my house. But, on Sunday I couldn't resist buying a soft little jacket and sweat pants for my baby girl. When I first saw it, I thought I would buy it for my friend who is about to give birth to a little girl, but then I thought, no, I want that for MY baby girl (sorry, Jane!). Anyway, I let myself do it. (On a side note, the 3 pieces of the outfit cost less than $10 - I love clearance sales!) When I brought it home and showed it to Ryan, I held it to me and just ached to see my baby girl in it. I'm sure she'll have lots of dark hair that will look so beautiful in that creamy color. The crazy thing is, my heart nearly exploded with love for this little girl whom I don't even know yet. I ached and longed for her, yet I don't even know her. This is why I wear my "heart monitor", because it is too hard every day to have your heart exploding with this love, and not have the child with you to lavish it on her. How hard it is for families who, like I eventually will be, are waiting to be reunited with their children they have already met!

I took this picture of the outfit so you could see it, and then I stuck it back in the bag and put it under my bed, where it will stay until another day when I choose to let my heart go unmonitored.

Joining The Crowd

Well, it seemed inevitable. Everyone else has a blog, why not me? So, here I am, not with anything really interesting to say, but at least I have a venue to express it. We'll see how long it lasts!